“Letting Go to Be Free” by Dorcas Austin

"Letting Go to Be Free" by Dorcas Austin

Last week, I asked for a divorce. Ok, so I hear you saying, “You aren’t married.” Yep, and I still want a divorce.⁣⁣

A friend recently disclosed what led to his divorce when I said to him, “I really admire you for having the courage to leave.” I paused.⁣⁣  ⁣Then I continued. “I wish more people would do the same,” I said. “Folks need to leave emotionally and physically abusive relationships to open themselves to being loved, cared for and maybe even happy.”⁣⁣
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I love saying big, bold statements. I also love applying these big, bold statements to myself knowing that in some way, I’m always talking about me. 🙌🏾
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I have to be honest. For most of my life, I’ve been in an unhealthy relationship with a little girl. A girl who always wanted to be loved, liked and accepted. A girl who only cared about other’s approval. ⁣⁣  During some periods, she was more present than others. Even during this quarantine, she had the nerve to show up. When the markets took a huge hit, she scolded me for not having seen it coming.⁣⁣  If something didn’t go my way, if someone didn’t respond to a text or if I was criticized she would in no uncertain terms let me know that I wasn’t worthy of love.⁣⁣
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I don’t know if I loved her, but I felt I needed her. Her demand for excellence kept me driven. Her wanting me to look “right,” talk “right” and be “right” forced a high bar of excellence.⁣⁣  We were married and did nothing without the other. She needed me and I needed her. She was happy when things were good – she lost it when they were not.⁣⁣  I got tired of her temperamental attitude. I got tired of her constant scolding. I got tired of her emotional rollercoasters and that’s when I asked for my divorce!⁣⁣  I wanted “out” of an unloving relationship and “in” to a relationship where I could be loved, where I could be exactly who I was and where I could be free. ⁣⁣
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So, if over the next few weeks you notice weird behaviors, like involuntary smiling while walking through the streets or random bursts of tears, just excuse me. I’m going through a divorce.⁣⁣  I’m divorcing that ego part of me so I can be free.⁣

Dorcas is a licensed therapist and a member of the One Love Choir at Oneness.

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